Rules of the House

In which our reluctant hero considers setting some ground rules.

Keen to avoid an end of week meltdown when I’m home alone, babysitting the kids, for a few days and haven’t written Friday’s blog, my wife sent me a link to a Mumsnet thread to fuel my creative juices. The thread was titled “Batsh*t rules about things that don’t really matter.” Charming.

Mumsnet, eh? So this is what mums get up to all day when dads are at work. No wonder nothing ever gets done.

My first task was to try to decipher it. Who knew that mums spoke in strange code? DH, DM, PIL, DS, DD, DC? What on earth does that all mean? Confused, I referred to the Ox Dict of Abbrevos. That didn’t help either. I guessed at “Lawrence, Direct Message, Public Image Limited, Nintendo, Direct Debit and Washington” which made even less sense put in context. Undeterred, I ploughed on.

Rules are like tour guides holding up yellow brollies up on holiday. You know that they shouldn’t really be needed, but unless they are followed, there will be all manner of chaos and the bus is going back half empty.

Back to the thread. There was a fair bit of debate about domestic things, it being a forum mostly for ladies… (*ducks*)

Some of the “rules” didn’t seem that ridiculous to me, just common sense. And simply doing something properly isn’t a rule, is it? For example, the order of washing things up. Starting with glasses and cutlery, then washing things in order of dirtiness, ending with pans is just a logical way of only using one bowl of water isn’t it? Not a rule.

Brown and red sauce featured heavily. Brown sauce for a sausage sandwich, red for bacon. Or vice versa. (Wrong!) Red for chips but not chippy chips as they have to be eaten without. The chips themselves should, apparently, be eaten first and dipped into ketchup. This is partially correct in that you should always eat the best bit last (which, let’s face it, is never the chips) but ketchup should always be squirted all over everything to save faffing. Again, common sense and definitely not a rule.

I used to work with a bloke who would drink coffee up to 11:59 a.m. before switching to tea at noon. Playing devil’s advocate, I once started making a round of drinks at about ten to twelve (coffee requested) but didn’t deliver until noon just to see what happened. It got poured down the sink.

There’s loads of these, from not putting new shoes on the table, to instructions about hanging washing up, and everything in between. Having ploughed through about ten pages, I was unsure as to whether human behaviour is such that we are all somehow hardwired to create and maintain routines, or whether we are just habitual. And is there even a difference?

Although I don’t have prescriptive rules like you lot – I think we’ve all rightly established that common sense is my primary driver, and that I’m nearly always right – I am a quite habitual creature. I started to wonder if any of my quirks have rubbed off.

Occasionally I spot the little people popping crisps into a sandwich, and they’ve started asking for bread and butter to do the same if we have chips.

When dressing, we all usually put our socks on last. I do this as I haven’t dried my feet properly after my shower and am stalling until the carpet finishes the job for me. The kids probably do as that’s a routine that they’ve inherited. They also both want to rinse their mouth out after cleaning teeth as that’s something that I do, despite disapproving glances from the better half.

Now that they’re both quite good at talking, I’ve noticed phrases being copied and recycled. The little one frequently says “Yes, of course you can” if you ask him for something, which makes me chuckle as it sounds odd coming from a two year old. Our eldest frequently yells at her younger brother, demanding that he does something or other that he hasn’t done. She also makes inappropriately loud comments such as “Do they think that the rules don’t apply to them?” at people parked on the zigzags outside nursery too. I have no idea where that comes from although I could hazard a guess.

But they also at times seem to come up with their own routines without warning. These have, over the years, included toast having to be served in a toast rack, ice cream from the “bird cup”, things removed from the bedroom before sleep, slippers or shoes being placed in bed before sleep, bringing a doll or teddy down for breakfast, and having a biscuit and banana before bed, to name just a few. Some have dropped off over time, but some have stuck. I don’t know whether these rituals were started independently, or influenced from elsewhere. Most likely Peppa Pig. Either way, our weekly spend on bananas is outrageous.

It took a while to think of them, but we only have three proper rules at home.

  • We don’t smack, we cuddle in this house.
  • We always at least try to do a wee before leaving the house or going to bed.
  • No treats if you haven’t eaten dinner.

On the whole, they’re pretty well adhered to, although mummy sometimes struggles with the last one.

At two and four, our children are absolute sponges which is why it’s so important to at least try to set a good example. Behaviours influence behaviours. Now if I could only get them all copying something more useful. Like grouting, putting the bins out or doing the ironing. One day…

  

Fin.

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